Money and guilt

In one of my previous posts, I mentioned my therapist assigned me a homework task. She told me to choose a way to celebrate maintaining a 4.0 GPA this semester. Easy, right? 

I used to celebrate all the time. I didn’t need a reason to celebrate. I would even celebrate my birthday for the entire month of July. Then, something shifted. I started struggling financially and my thoughts on celebrations changed  Let me clear, you do not need money to celebrate by any means but celebrating the way “I” like to involved money. I used to celebrate with travel, fancy dinners or gifts for myself. 

When I started struggling with finances, I developed a lack mentality and that’s exactly what I started to attract. I take full responsibility for the things I create. I know I am powerful beyond measure and that I am a master manifester. The same way I can manifest the good, I can manifest the bad. God is constant though. And has a huge sense of humor. 

Me: “I’m so broke. I can’t afford that.” 

God: “Your wish is my command.” *sprinkles lack*

About four months ago I decided to start focusing on abundance again. I went on Pinterest and created vision boards of what I wanted to attract. I chose pictures of things that evoked a feeling of wealth within me. Things that made me connect to abundance. Does that mean I want everything on my Pinterest board? Nope. The pictures just make me feel good. Action starts with a feeling. In less than two months, I started to see a shift financially. Then I decided I wanted to study abroad in Ireland this summer. I knew logically that I couldn’t afford it. 

Me: “I don’t currently have the funds to make this happen but, I believe in miracles.”

God: “Your wish is my command. I got this.” *taps angels*

I decided to start a GoFundMe after a suggestion from a Facebook friend. In less than 2 months I was awarded a $800 scholarship and 50 angels donated over $3000 towards my trip to Ireland. Just like that, paid in full. And, donations are still coming in. I’ll use those to cover incidentals like food while I am away. When I first decided to start the campaign I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. HUGE. I could think of so many more worthy causes that could use that money.

God: “Don’t be silly. I said I’ve got this. What is meant for you is meant for you. There is enough. Release pride, ask for help.”  

So, I let it go and started whispering to myself, “You deserve this, you are worthy.” And with that came ease. 

Back to my homework assignment. I finally decided to celebrate by buying myself some parfum I’ve wanted for several years. Then guilt creeped in. A friend kept telling me to buy it, that I deserved it, that I had worked hard for it. I kept going on the website, adding it to my cart, looking at the price, feeling guilty and then deleting everything. I talked to myself about it every single day. Prayed about it. Thought about it. Meditated on it. Listened to Solange. Another friend came in town and had a sample of the fragrance and she gave it to me. It was so yummy.

God: “Here’s a sign but you’ll probably ignore it.”

Of course I did. Because that’s what WE do. Stupid humans. I asked my mom for advice. Because those that are fortunate to still have one….that’s what you do. I still was unsure. And then I go my final answer. I decided to pick up my favorite book, The Alchemist. I have read this book no less than 5 times and there in a passage I found my answer. “The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at those who had failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget all about the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured and all the things we had to give up in order to get this far. But if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the soul of the world and understand why you are here.” 

God: “Checkmate.” 

Me: Goes on website, orders, pays. The end.

What do you feel guilty about? Let’s chat. 

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