I can’t stop crying

The past few days have been the most emotional I can recall in a while. When I was young, I was very emotional. If you looked at me wrong, I would cry. I wasn’t made to feel good about it so began a journey to do everything I could to prevent myself from crying. Sometimes I would hide in the closet and cry. When I couldn’t, I would tell myself “Push it away, don’t think about it, don’t you dare cry, it doesn’t matter.” All lies I told myself because I was made to feel I could not do something that was natural. That I wasn’t strong if I cried. I didn’t learn to properly process my emotions. The last few days, I realized just how ridiculous that was and I have cried. Everyday. I have felt pain I pushed away. I’ve talked myself out if it, because that’s what I’ve been doing for years. Then I cried some more. I grieved for things I never grieved for and I cried. For the first time, someone asked if I was OK and I said no. And I cried. I’m not ok, I’m in pain and that is OK. I am allowed to feel pain. Even though I’m crying as I type this I’m happy because I’ve finally found the freedom to cry. You can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge. As my aunt Deborah reminded me, feelings buried alive never die. Mine are pushing through kicking and screaming. And as John Love says “You have to sit in it….all of it and feel it. The good and the bad.” So if you see me and I start crying, know that it is actually a good thing. I’m attempting to heal myself. 2017 is going to be my year of healing. I’m excited about that. Love on someone today. You never know what they are going through. 

2 thoughts on “I can’t stop crying

  1. I know exactly what you’re going thru. I love that saying. “Feelings buried alive, never die.” I never thought of it that way. This is tri four me too. Cry on. I’ll cry with you and we can just hand each other some Kleenex.

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