Over the holidays, I saw the movie Fences starring Denzel Washington and Viola Davis. I didn’t know that it was based on a famous play until recently. (No spoilers) The movie is based on relationships. Father/son, mother/son and husband/wife with a high concentration on the father/son aspect.
I don’t have children and I don’t plan to so it’s hard to understand how a parent feels about their child. What it’s like for a mother to have a child grow inside of them. What a father feels like as he watches the child grow. The choices they make to be present or not. Their expectations, their desires, the sacrifices they make. I only know what it’s like to be the child. To be loved by a mother. To have a father that wasn’t present. To be taught how to act and not act. To be taught right from wrong. To be taught how to feel and not feel. To be unintentionally made to feel bad about being a dreamer. To be ridiculed for being sensitive and overly emotional. To carry a knot in the pit of your stomach for years because you don’t want to be a disappointment to anyone. Now, as an adult I realize those were expectations I created for myself based on my perceptions of what was going on around me.
I related so well to the son, Cory, in the movie because there were times when I wanted to scream and yell “My dreams matter!” But I never did because I was afraid. Instead I stuffed my emotions deep inside. Tried not to cause any problems. Failed at that several times, felt bad about it, and carried that guilt around for years. I was building imaginary fences within myself. “Sometimes people build fences to keep things in” is a line from the movie that cut deep. That’s exactly what I had been doing. Fencing in my emotions. Thanks to help from my therapist, I’m learning to stop fencing.
A new year is upon us. I want to continue to grow and create my best life ever. No resolutions, just 17 intentions for 2017.
1. Tell people what I want/need from them without feeling guilty
2. Learn to identify and process anger as a necessary emotion
3. Create necessary boundaries in current relationships
4. Journal daily
5. Meditate daily
6. Blog at least twice a month
7. Increase my physical activity
8. Eat foods that are good for my overall health and well being
9. More physical connections with people outside social media
10. Finish my book
11. Improve my credit score
12. Study Abroad in Ireland 😀
13. Release the need to live up to other people’s expectation
14. Have a Spread Love Retreat
15. Make a lot of mistakes and learn from them
16. Continue to research and develop concrete plans for my move abroad in 2021. (My biggest dream and greatest fear)
17. Learn true freedom
What are your intentions for 2017?