I haven’t written in a while. I honestly haven’t felt like sharing because it’s been a rough few months. Although I know that those of you that rock with me on a continuous basis like seeing my transparency and humanness, I was getting on my own nerves. Thoughts become things so I had to face the fact, unwillingly, that I had somehow created where I was. I felt blah and uninspired. I felt angry because I allowed myself back at this place again. Perhaps it was seasonal affective disorder again. However, if I am as powerful as God has created me to be, I have to learn to dig deeper and connect with my thoughts. I kept trying to push forward when what I really needed to do was sit down somewhere. After being rushed to the ER in excruciating pain, I was diagnosed with a kidney stone. A 9mm stone to be exact. One that could not be passed naturally and would require surgery. After the surgery I was diagnosed with cysts on the one ovary I have left from my hysterctomy. One of which is 6.9 cm. I am still waiting to see what will be done about this. Then, the next day I developed an ulcer in the roof of my mouth that was so painful I couldn’t eat for 3 days. In the words of Sophia from The Color Purple, “I was feelin’ mighty bad.” I was drowning in self pity. I started asking myself, “What is the lesson in all this? What am I missing?” And I realized 5 things.
1. Everything is cyclical. I have made myself believe that once I overcome something, I should be done with it and never have to go back to it or through it. Lies. I had a conversation with my aunt Deborah and she said to me “everything is cyclical.” If we dont learn the lesson we are supposed to learn it will come back again. Anything that is not completed full circle will repeat itself. Just as making your bed in the morning ends the rest cycle of the night before, we must complete whatever lesson we need to learn before we go on to the next one.
2. Self care is detrimental. I was being very unkind to my body. I wasn’t feeding it properly. I wasn’t exercising it. And, in all of that, I expected my body to keep pushing and not betray me? Lies. Just like an employee without pay, my body was like…..I quit. This forced me to take a long hard look at exactly what I was doing to my body.
3. The mind is powerful beyond belief. Your mind believes what you tell it. It doesn’t know the difference between what you feed it. If you feed it positive thoughts, it will believe you. If you feed it negative, self depricating thoughts, it will believe you. It wasn’t until this happened that I realized I was thinking negative thoughts. Feeling guilty because I had gained weight. Feeling less than because I am a little thicker around the waist. Lies. I was feeding myself untruths and my reality manifested just that.
4. I’m way to hard on myself. This is one of the hardest things for me to admit. I am an overachiever. I have always pushed myself. I have always believed that anything worth doing, is worth doing PERFECTLY. Lies. It’s worth doing well. It’s worth doing your best. But your best varies depending on where you are. And dammit, don’t forget to pat yourself on the back. I never give myself kudos. I’m working on this with my therapist. It’s deep rooted.
5. Let it go. Girl, bye. I had to let myself off the hook. I missed two whole weeks out of school and was still expecting myself to keep up with 14 credit hours and working fulltime. Lies. I had to let some of that go so I decided to drop a class this semester. It was a hard decision but I knew it was necessary.
I am always learning and always growing. The one thing that turned me around was finding a recording by Earl Nightingale “The Strangest Secret.” This changed everything for me. I realized I had the power at any moment to change how I feel. So I decided that day, it was time for a change. So begins this cycle. Please be kind to yourself. You, above anyone else, deserves your love.